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When adult children cut their parents out of their lives over conflict that could be worked through, they may lose more than they realize.

I’m talking about ordinary family disagreements, hurtful mistakes, and imperfect people- not abuse, neglect, or ongoing mistreatment. Those distinctions matter.

Before an unresolved conflict becomes years of silence, we need to ask: What might this decision cost everyone involved, and is repair still possible?

“Protect your peace.”

I understand the appeal of those words. Sometimes we desperately need rest, distance, or a boundary.

But when a relationship is safe enough to repair, I wonder whether we also need another reminder:

Make room for people to GROW. (including you - relationships mean at least TWO people - when we point fingers, notice how many are pointing back to YOU - sorry for being so harsh - but this 'cancel culture' has gotten out of control.)

I’m thinking particularly about parents and adult children. These relationships hold years of love, sacrifice, misunderstandings, disappointments, and memories. Sometimes they also hold serious harm. We cannot know a family’s whole story from the outside.

This is an invitation to think carefully about repair where repair is possible - not a request to endure abuse, neglect, intimidation, or repeated mistreatment.

What might distance cost?

Estrangement can bring relief. It can also bring grief. Research involving estranged adult children has documented both experiences, including the loss of emotional and practical support. Neither experience cancels out the other. Research on adult children’s experiences

When a relationship could become healthier, the potential losses deserve consideration.

You may miss ordinary afternoons, family stories that never get passed down, and milestones without someone who once knew every detail of your life. Grandchildren may lose opportunities to know grandparents with whom they could have had a safe, loving relationship.

And time keeps moving. Sometimes a conversation we imagine having someday becomes a conversation we can no longer have.

That possibility deserves reflection. It should never become a threat used to pressure someone into contact.

Resilience includes learning how to repair

Parents can do some ding-dong things. So can adult children. (I'm looking at YOU, reader! LOL)

We speak carelessly. We get defensive. We misunderstand intentions. We sometimes repeat habits we should have outgrown.

But “everyone makes mistakes” cannot become an excuse to keep making the same hurtful mistake.

Repair asks something of us:

“I understand why that hurt.”

“I’m sorry for what I did.”

“Here is what I will change.”

“What would help you feel comfortable moving forward?”

An apology opens a door. Consistent behavior helps rebuild trust.

Parents need to listen, own their mistakes, and make meaningful changes. But adult children also need to recognize that an imperfect parent is not a disposable parent.

Years of sacrifice, time, money, effort, sleepless nights, and showing up when it was hard deserve consideration. Those sacrifices do not excuse harmful behavior, but ordinary disagreements do not erase them either. Some children may not fully understand what their parents gave until they shoulder those responsibilities themselves.

When the conflict is repairable, cutting off a parent can close the door on more than today’s argument. It can mean choosing out of years of connection, family memories, support, and opportunities to know each other differently.

And parents cannot be expected to put their lives on hold forever. They may eventually build a life around the absence. If their children later want to return, rebuilding that relationship may take more than simply deciding they are ready.

A sword has two edges. Before you cut a repairable relationship out of your life, consider what you are cutting yourself off from, too.

For adult children, where contact is safe, it may mean considering whether a parent’s present efforts deserve a fresh look. A person’s worst moment does not always describe who they are today.

Accountability belongs to everyone. Responsibility is not necessarily equal.

What are we teaching the next generation?

I don’t believe we can predict that children who witness estrangement will someday reject their own parents.

But we can ask what we want them to learn from us.

Can they see us apologize? Can they see us disagree respectfully? Can they see us set a boundary without humiliating someone? Can they see us recognize genuine change?

Sometimes the lesson is that a relationship needs distance. Sometimes it is that a difficult relationship can become healthier.

Both require discernment.

Faith makes room for change

I believe the Atonement of Jesus Christ offers hope that we can repent, heal, and become different people.

That belief asks me to examine my own behavior as sincerely as I examine someone else’s.

Repentance involves more than asking another person to move on. It involves taking responsibility and changing.

Forgiveness, trust, and reconciliation also have different timelines. Church guidance recognizes that forgiveness does not require trusting someone who has harmed you, and that professional counseling can help with healing. Prayer and counseling can work together. Church guidance on trust and forgiveness

Could there be a next step?

Where it is safe, and both people are willing, the next step might be smaller than a complete reunion: a letter, a short conversation, a clearly stated boundary, or a meeting with a qualified counselor.

We do not have to solve years of hurt in one afternoon.

We do have to resist turning love into a ledger: everything I did for you, everything you did to me, everything I could reveal about you. Keeping score makes it harder to hear each other.

I hope that we give safe relationships a thoughtful chance to grow beyond their hardest chapters.

Protect your peace. Consider the possibilities for repair. And leave room for genuine change - including your own.

I love you all. These opinions are my own, shaped by more than 20 years of working with over 10,000 children. I have seen heartache. I have also witnessed miracles: apologies that opened doors, people who changed, and relationships that found a way forward.

We cannot do another person’s part. But where repair is possible, we can begin with our own.

Let’s start creating miracles. 🩷

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